7 Tips and Tricks to Support Your Child During Transitions and the Neurobiology Behind Them
Picture this, we’ve all been there in some capacity. It is time to transition your child from an activity they are enjoying to something way less desirable. It may be time for bed, time for school, or time for them to eat a dinner that you know they won’t like after you spent an hour making it. Sometimes you can anticipate it and already feel your own body increasing in activation. Thoughts might circle around in your head, mostly negative ones:
Ugh, I already know this is going to be hard.
Why does it always have to be so hard?
I have no energy for yet another tantrum of the day.
I can do this (maybe).
I should have just made them mac and cheese for the 5th time this week so I wouldn’t have to deal with this.
As you read this, notice how your body feels in this exact moment. Chances are, you are feeling pretty dysregulated as you recall experiences such as these or maybe one that happened today. These negative thoughts, especially SHOULDING on yourself, definitely lead to dysregulation. Thoughts affect body sensations and vice versa. Therefore, you may notice some dysregulation in your body as you read those statements as well. You may feel a pain in your stomach, tightening in your chest, or heaviness throughout your entire body. Just notice what you notice. Not noticing anything is still noticing something.
Let’s pause and do something to regulate.
Take a deep breath and elongate your exhale, stretch and move, or pick up a fidget. I just set you up to feel dysregulated right from the beginning. When we are dysregulated, we are in our feeling brain instead of our thinking brain. Just like kids, when we are in our feeling brain, our logic is offline and it is very difficult to make sense of anything. We can’t learn and take in new information when we are dysregulated. Therefore, do something to get the logical part of your brain back online.
As I’ve discussed in past blogs, nervous systems communicate. Think about if I were to yawn right now. Chances are, if you saw me yawn, you would yawn too (or maybe you just yawned after reading the word.) Let’s consider another dysregulated example (yay!): You just had an extremely difficult day at work and you are quite dysregulated: mad, anxious, you name it, you have it. You go home and everything “sets you off.” The shoes piled up right inside the door, the dog not being fed yet, the laundry overfilling. You start to get snippy with everyone around you.
In those circumstances you are communicating your anger with everyone around you and they definitely feel it. Their behavior may start to match that feeling too (unless they are doing a great job or regulating and coregulating you!) They may yell, “what is wrong with you?!” or “I’ll clean it up, I just got home!” Your nervous system is communicating and setting others up to feel how you feel. Just like I set you up to feel dysregulated right from the beginning..and then again!
All of this to say that our nervous systems communicate with one another whether we are aware of it or not. Therefore, in our previous example, when you go into a transition dysregulated, your child is going to feel it too. This is not meant to blame or shame, it is just reality and how the human body works. By regulating yourself first, you will likely have more capacity to remain curious and stay with your child’s big feelings compared to your child setting you up to feel angry.
Let’s just put it out there shall we, TRANSITIONS ARE HARD...and confusing. You may be thinking to yourself, why does eating dinner feel so dangerous to my child that it sends them into a tantrum? It sometimes just makes no sense. However, remembering that all behavior is communication can help us (sometimes) stay curious about our child’s behavior so we can offer more connection, regulation, and felt safety to support them. Here are some tips and tricks that keep connection, regulation, and felt safety at the forefront to aid in those tricky transition moments.
Regulate yourself first: As we mentioned earlier, regulate yourself first. If you go into a transition dysregulated, such as rushing your child, having anxious or angry energy, etc. then you are setting your child up to feel dysregulated as well. Sometimes our kiddos are so brilliant that they even do their best to “balance out” the nervous system. In this sense, they will actually move slower if you are trying to rush them as a way to provide balance. Brilliant and frustrating all at the same time!
Reflect their Feeling and Validate their Experience: I know, I know…this feels like a tip for everything. That’s how important it is though. It is important to be with your child in their big feelings, even if they seem silly to you. To them, it is a BIG DEAL that they had to stop building their Lego creation and get ready for bed. Also, by remembering that all behavior is communication, we can get curious about what might be happening on the inside as we observe their behavior on the outside. By reflecting what might be happening on the inside or their feeling in the moment, they know that you are there with them in the big feeling which allows them to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure (Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson).
Make the Unknown, Known: Children’s anxiety and dysregulation peak in transitions because they are required to move into an unknown situation. Therefore, it is vital to make each step of the transition “known” as much as possible. Describe what the transition is going to look like and be specific. For example, “In 5 minutes, we are going to stop playing with the Magna-tiles, put the Magna-tiles in the bin, and brush your teeth before bed.” By describing each step of the transition, your child can prepare and know what is happening next.
Countdown and Visual Timers/Aids: Children are very visual. They are visual thinkers and visual learners. Therefore, support transitions by making things visual. When counting down to a transition, use a visual timer or sand timer. You can also create visual routines and schedules so they can see the steps they need to take throughout a transition. These are all ways to help make the unknown, known all over again.
Offer A Choice: Do they want to be their favorite animal as they transition? Do they want a Piggyback ride? Do they want to race to a certain point? Offering them two choices to pick from can help aid with the transition. It allows them to have some control during the transition. Bonus points if it gets them up and moving!
Put their Hard Work in a Safe Space: Oftentimes, children are worried about what will happen to their piece of art that they worked on. Will a sibling come and ruin it? Will it be moved or changed when they leave? By offering to put it in a safe space, children know where it will be when they want to access it again.
Create a Ritual: If your child specifically experiences separation anxiety, it is helpful to create a ritual utilized during separation and reunification. A special handshake between parent and child or special objects to reference are usually helpful to aid in these transitions. The Invisible String is an amazing book that is helpful for separation anxiety. I usually recommend parent and child making bracelets for one another that can be referenced throughout the day as a concrete reminder of connection and felt safety. Along these same lines, creating a transition box with your child could be helpful. It could contain items such as a family picture, fidgets, a favorite stuffy, etc. to assistant in times when separation is occurring.
With all of these tips and tricks, practice is key. As I mentioned, all of these suggestions are being offered with the key foundations of regulation, connection, and felt safety in mind. Therefore, you can practice any of these strategies throughout the day as an opportunity to connect and support your child. If we only do these in times of dysregulation, chances are we will fall into the trap of feeling as though they never work which leads us feeling discouraged and dysregulated once again.
At Conscious Roots Counseling in Blue Ash, Ohio, we are here to support you and your child during those tricky transition moments. Let’s work together to increase capacity for regulation in these tough transition moments and provide you with confidence to truly be with your child in their big feelings.
