Why Connection and Felt Safety are so Important in the Therapeutic Relationship
If I received a dollar (maybe a little more) for how many times I’ve heard “the therapeutic relationship is foundational” (or some form of that) throughout my time in this career, I could probably retire by now…but, seriously.
All the time I spend facilitating sessions with clients, attending conferences, listening to podcasts, and paging through my own reading material, it all goes back to the foundational component of the relationship between the therapist and the client (you and/or your child!)
It does make sense though, right? Therapy is such a vulnerable space, process, and experience. You meet someone new and chances are, you go into the first session and are expected to share your background, challenges, potential traumatic events, current symptoms, parenting hardships, and more. Whew!
During the first session, you are still trying to figure your therapist out. You don’t know them well enough at this point to predict how they will respond or what they may be thinking. You are constantly assessing for cues of safety (4 times a second actually), comfort, and unconditional positive regard (acceptance and support without judgement). That’s a confusing space to be in.
Even more so, our brain LOVES to predict the future…hence you sitting there trying to predict how they will respond to your perceptions.
However, on the flip side, the brain is HORRIBLE at predicting the future. The brain uses the past to predict the future as 80% of our current experience is living out of memory. In some ways this is good or else we wouldn’t remember how to walk, talk, brush our teeth, etc. However, in other situations, the streams of the past come full force and don’t serve us well.
It is quite evident that the relationship with your therapist is vital to your growth, healing, and continuous quest towards integration (that’s right, unfortunately, there is no destination) of your experiences and core beliefs. But why? Some answers are obvious:
I don’t want to spend 50 minutes once a week with someone who annoys me
I’m not going to open up to someone who I don’t feel safe and comfortable with
Why am I going to talk to someone who judges me?
My therapist spent the entire session talking about themselves. Should I have gotten paid instead?
They just don’t get me and don’t understand MY perceptions of MY life story
So many more examples as everyone has their own subjective experience of therapy and what kind of therapist may or may not be a good fit for them.
With some of these examples, we can even ask “But Why?” Why do I not feel safe and comfortable? Why do they annoy me so much? Most of your answers to these questions are subjective because felt safety and lived experience are different for everyone.
However, one question is vital for all of us to ask: But why are connection and felt safety so important in the therapeutic relationship..or any relationship for that matter? Let’s explore the neurobiology of connection and felt safety.
One of my absolute favorite illustrations of therapy is the one to the left (also displayed in our waiting room at Conscious Roots Counseling).
The client feels safe and connected with the therapist to process their most challenging and painful life stories that feel intense, overwhelming, and too much for their nervous system to handle. By being with the client and providing cues of safety and connection, the therapist is able to help the client process their big feelings and behaviors to facilitate growth, change, and integration.
“Connection is a biological imperative.”
We all need connection to survive. We are always seeking connection. We are also always seeking safety within our connections as well. Our nervous system is gathering cues of safety from 3 places: inside ourselves, outside in our environment, and in between our interactions with other people. Therefore, in the therapeutic relationship, we may be asking ourselves some of these questions, especially in the beginning:
Do I feel safe or unsafe?
Are you likely to be predictable?
Is your defensive (protection) system at rest?
Are you able to really be with me?
We are searching for cues of safety from the behaviors that we notice in another person, especially their non-verbals. We are assessing their eyes, intonation, prosody (the way speech varies in pitch, loudness, and duration), mouth, body posture, and more to determine if interactions with them are likely to be safe.
The most dangerous predator to a human is another human who’s defensive system is engaged. When we are able to observe that a person is regulated and willing to connect, then we receive an invitation of safety. The safest place of connection for a human is another human who’s connection system is engaged. It is up to us if we would like to accept the invitation of safety or not. However, the importance is knowing that the invitation of safety and connection continues to be offered and we can receive it when we are ready. By being met where we are and continuously being offered safety and connection, we continue to land in connection mode which helps us to regulate through the dysregulation.
When thinking of this, I always go back to one of my favorite quotes:
“When we are in a challenging situation, the presence of another – often even a stranger – calms our systems so that we use fewer somatic and emotional resources to deal with upset than if we were managing the situation on our own.”
If that quote doesn’t describe how powerful connection is, then I don’t know what does. From the first therapy session, you are able to realize that you are not alone in your hardships. You are being offered a safe, connected, regulated individual to be with you and it is your decision as to when or whether or not you would like to accept the invitation.
At Conscious Roots Counseling, we work so hard to ensure that our clients feel safe and connected. We value being present with you in your challenging experiences so you don’t have to face them alone. We work to provide you with tools to find safety and connection outside of the therapeutic space so you can feel more regulated in your daily life.
