6 Strategies to Help Support Your Child’s Brain, Nervous System, and Humanity with ADHD in Mind
I recently read the book, 12 Principles for Raising a Child With ADHD, by Russell Barkley, PhD. Throughout the book, Barkley discusses his perspective regarding ADHD and tips and strategies to support parents and their child(ren). Throughout this blog, I will outline some of Barkley’s tips, strategies, and ideas that I resonated with along with adding in brain and nervous system science to offer further support. These tips can be specific to child(ren) with ADHD, however, I also like to argue that these strategies can be beneficial to any child(ren) and their continuously developing brain and body.
In the beginning of the book, Barkley first outlines what ADHD is. He states that those with ADHD struggle with self-regulation (my spin: we all do!) People with ADHD have challenges persisting towards their goals while limiting distractions as well as inhibiting impulsive actions. Therefore, characteristics of ADHD include inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. It is also important to mention that ADHD is primarily biological (neurodevelopmental) and is not caused mainly by social or environmental factors, such as culture. Individuals with ADHD experienced natural variation in brain development and function in utero and in their very early life when their brain was rapidly developing.
Individuals who have ADHD are considered neurodivergent. I think it is vital to note here that being neurodivergent is not equated to a deviation from a “normal” or “typical” state (I like to argue that there is no such thing as “normal.”) Being neurodivergent is a natural variation of the human brain. We all have variations (i.e. adoption, sensory concerns, trauma, etc.) in our human experience that comes with strengths and challenges. Being neurodivergent comes with its own strengths and challenges as well. It is not to say that one is “better” than the other. We are all navigating how to be human with the vastly different brains and bodies that we are equipped with. We are all doing the very best we can with the state of our nervous system and the level of support that we have (Robyn Gobbel).
Another brain spin on this information is that our frontal lobe, the executive functioning center of the brain, is not fully developed until our late 20s. Therefore, to some extent, we are all figuring out how to concentrate, organize, reason, make decisions, engage in abstract thinking, and practice relational abilities until our mid-20s (and truly even after that).
As we continue on, here are 6 tips and strategies to help support your child’s brain, nervous system, and humanity with ADHD in mind:
1. Identify your Child’s Strengths and Keep These at the Forefront, Always
Ask yourself:
What is my child interested in? What are my child’s strengths? Do they enjoy art, music, culinary arts, sports, photography, etc? Are they extremely observant? Do they love to move as a way of regulation?
Whatever it may be, find the strengths that your child possesses. By doing this, we can also reframe our own thinking and view the behaviors of our child differently. All behavior is communication and an attempt at regulation. Therefore, by viewing their behavior from this lens, we are able to stay curious and focused on their strengths to promote confidence and self-motivation.
2. Meet Your Child Where They Are and Prioritize the Relationship
There is nothing that says “power struggle” like setting expectations for your child that they are not developmentally able to handle or that will completely flood their nervous system at that moment. Meeting your child where they are simply means, what can they handle in this moment? Most of our learning happens on the edge of uncomfortable and comfortable in regards to our window of tolerance. Therefore, finding that area of balance to support your child is ideal, and not always easy!
At the end of the day, the relationship with your child is most important. Therefore, how can this be prioritized while also achieving the tasks and expectations that life offers us? Some ideas are decreasing the amount of requests for the time being, reflecting on how important and urgent particular requests are, offering special play time to your child, and reflecting back to them the positive experiences you encountered with them throughout the day.
3. Don’t Forget About Prioritizing Yourself
Ah, the phrase, “you can’t pour from an empty cup” fits here wonderfully. In the book, Barkley outlines the “STOP” method:
S: Stop what you are doing. Build in a brief pause to allow yourself the time to become more aware of yourself and your surroundings.
T: Take a breath. Maybe multiple. If you notice you are feeling anxious or frustrated, make sure to elongate your exhale. If you are noticing yourself feeling tired and unmotivated, make sure to elongate your inhale.
O: Observe. Take in yourself, your surroundings, and what may be happening around you more fully – what is happening inside you, outside you, and around you. This is also where our felt sense of safety comes from. It comes from inside us, outside in the environment, and between the relationships we have with others. Find felt safety so that you can remain grounded and present.
P: Proceed. With this mindful pause, you are far more likely to choose a more adaptive, effective, and genuine action as you proceed to deal with the situation – one that promotes your long-term welfare and your relationship with your child.
As parents, we are humans with nervous systems too. Our kids also do a really good job of triggering our unintegrated parts (the parts of ourselves that we still struggle with and are still working to navigate). We simply wouldn’t be human if we were never affected by the things our children said, their big, baffling behaviors (Robyn Gobbel), or their feelings. Therefore, it is vital to prioritize ourselves as well because we are also navigating how to be human. We are modeling to our children what it is like to be human, not perfect.
4. Frequent, Supportive Check-Ins and Breaks
Supportive check-ins offer co-regulation and the support your child needs to succeed. Ensure that you are making a regulated connection with your child by gently touching their shoulder and not shouting to them from far away. Offer (it may not always be wonderfully received) connection to your child by increasing proximity. Offer co-regulation by being regulated yourself. Offer felt safety by supporting them in the challenge. Use short, direct phrases regarding tasks so your child does not have to remember a jumbled up mess of words. Break tasks down into manageable chunks to support your child with multi-step tasks. Offering movement breaks and other forms of regulation can help your child stay inside their window of tolerance and not fry their nervous system.
5. Make it Visual As Much As Possible
It means anything! Children learn best by observation so use this to your advantage. Model what you want your child to do. Use a visual time to make a time or transition apparent. Write down lists, directions, step-by-step procedures, etc. to provide your child with something to directly follow so they don’t have to rely entirely on their working memory. Make routines visual with picture sequences. Add in play and humor to keep your child connected.
6. Utilize the SOAPS Method for Problem-Solving
In the book, Barkley discusses the SOAPS method to support your child when a challenge arises.
S: State the Situation and Break It Down
O: List the Options
A: Note the Advantages
P: Note the Disadvantages or Problems with each
S: Determine if a Solution is Evident
One important note about the SOAPS method is utilizing it when your child is in their thinking brain. If your child is highly dysregulated about the particular situation, this will simply not be an option. If they are highly dysregulated, focus on connection, felt safety, and co-regulation. If your child is in their thinking brain, then by all means work through this together. If they are not, this may be something to simply come back to when your child is more regulated.
Supporting your child’s developing brain and body is hard work! We will never always get it right and our children don’t expect us to. Remember that you are always doing the very best you can with the state of your nervous system and the level of support that you have (Robyn Gobbel). Offer yourself connection, regulation, and felt safety just like you would to your child. You are a human too and give yourself grace in this difficult process.
At Conscious Roots Counseling, we are here to offer co-regulation to support you in life’s challenging moments. We are here to embrace the clunkiness of being human because life would be boring if everyone was perfect. Reach out today to find the support you need!
