How to Support Others Who are Struggling

As a therapist, I am often asked by my clients how they can help family members or friends who are going through difficult times. Sometimes this person is experiencing depression, anxiety, grief, or trauma. My clients want to help as much as possible and take away the pain their friend or family member is having. 

Recently a client was sharing how a family member is in the last stages of life and dying. This family member lives in a multigenerational home and the client is close to each member of the household. She was telling me how her sibling came over and told her how they are being impacted by the family member’s process of dying and the stress they are experiencing. My client listened and empathized. 

My client asked me, “What can I do to help?”

I explained to her that she already helped. She was present with her sibling and listened. She cannot take away the stress that her sibling is experiencing. What she can do is be available to listen, to empathize, and to support. 

I was reminded of a quote by author Anne Lammot:

In this context, my client is a lighthouse. Standing tall and strong, showing her light to her family. The light circling around reminding her family members, “I’m here if you need me.”  

If my client were to run around to each family member asking, “what can I do?” or try to take away their stress, my client would burnout. Then she would not be available for support when needed. 

On a more personal note, my own family is going through a stressful situation. My parents are caring for my grandmother who is recovering after falling and breaking her hip. My parents are clearly overwhelmed and stressed. I want the stress to go away for them. 

I can offer to buy and drop off groceries, run errands, make food, etc. But this is “running around the island looking for boats to save.” This can be exhausting and futile. I am sure my parents would appreciate these types of assistance, but so far they are declining these offers. 

I can also be a lighthouse. Remind my parents that I am available to talk, to decompress, to vent, to problem solve. 

If you’re curious about how to be more empathetic, I highly recommend Brené Brown’s work. 

When sailors are caught in a storm at sea, the light shining from a lighthouse gives hope and a sense of safety. We can also be that light and symbol of hope and safety to our own family and friends. Taking the time to listen and validate is often what people need most.