Four Steps to Help Manage Feelings and Behaviors
If you have been following along since my book review of The Dance of Anger, you may have noticed that this is only my second book review of the year. That’s right, my attempt at reading more this year took a sudden turn. At first thought of this, I began to engage in negative self-talk. Some of these negative mantras immediately came to the forefront of my mind.
Why do you even try to say you are going to read more EVERY year, it never happens
Why didn’t you set more of a S.M.A.R.T goal at the beginning of the year
Why don’t you always practice what you teach the children and families you work with
You should make this more of a priority
You buy all these books yet you never take the time to read them
You need to know this information to be a better child therapist and support the children and families you work with
Whew! My first thought typing all that out is overwhelm! Writing it out compared to letting it stir in my head has a whole new meaning. All of the training that I have done (thanks specifically to Synergetic Play Therapy) has taught me to notice sensations in my body. The first thing I noticed was tightness in my chest and anxiety. I felt my body also get heavy and tight at the same time. I noticed a looming feeling in my stomach. All of this negative self-talk and SHOULDING on myself (if you need context behind this, read my recent blog) caused dysregulation. What do I do with all this dysregulation?! Well, that leads us to the 4 step process I learned (of many things) in Robyn Gobbel’s, Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors, book.
*As a preface to this information, I do want to normalize that this takes practice….LOTS OF PRACTICE. Even with practice, we won’t always get it right. This is a vulnerable place to be and it is important to give yourself and your child permission to be human. As you continue to practice, you will notice small changes that have a drastic impact. Periodically ask yourself: Am I getting AS dysregulated? Is it happening AS frequently? Am I recovering more quickly? Our goal is increased emotional regulation, not emotionless.*
1.Notice
The first thing I did was notice the dysregulation. I noticed how it felt in my body immediately. I noticed my self-talk. I noticed my inability to continue writing. I noticed the sensations, thoughts, and feelings that were coming up for me in the moment.
2. Acknowledge WITHOUT Judgment
Acknowledge the feeling you are having without judging it. If you look above, you see the words “Why” and “Should” quite often. These words are quite judgmental to ourselves and others. Acknowledge without judgment means notice it and allow it to be true. Therefore, in my example, I noticed the tightness in my chest and allowed it to be true. I acknowledged its presence without trying to push it away. As a child therapist, one of my favorite phrases is “the more we resist, the more it persists.” This is true in lots of scenarios whether it be our child’s behavior, our feelings, or general mental health symptoms being experienced. The more we try to push it away, the more it occurs. This is hard because feelings can be uncomfortable. We want to avoid and get rid of them as quickly as possible. It takes practice to sit with the uncomfortable feeling and just allow it be present without judging its existence or pushing it away.
3. Self-Compassion
Self-Compassion is so important that Conscious Roots Counseling in Cincinnati has more than one blog about it. I chose to reframe my negative self-talk by talking back to my thoughts, an activity that I love to do as a child therapist as well. A moment of suffering always deserves self-compassion. I chose to reframe my thinking patterns to practice more positive self-talk.
This is really hard for me right now
You are doing the best you can with the time you have
You are doing your best to learn so you can support the children and families that you work with
You already know a lot of information about the brain, relational neuroscience, and the nervous system to help support the families you work with better understand their children’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors
Lots of therapists buy a lot of books and don’t have time to read them all (this one just helped make me laugh)
If I pause and go back through these steps, I already notice a lightness in my body and less tightness in my chest and stomach. It does feel like a weight of pressure has lifted off of my shoulders. I can acknowledge these feelings and hold them to be true as well.
4. Release Tension
A funny part about releasing tension that happened right when I experienced my dysregulation was that my dog came up to me and continued to paw me until I started petting him. Talk about a wave of co-regulation. Releasing tension is all about doing something to regulate and feel more relaxed. Petting my dog was just what I needed to pause and regulate my body so that I could get back to writing this blog. Releasing tension can be related to self-care. It also doesn’t have to be a 20-minute ordeal. Releasing tension can be putting your hand on your chest and taking a deep breath when you notice that it is tight. You can shake out your hands when you notice that your hands want to clench into fists and hit something. You can notice your feet on the floor and draw attention to that part of your body.
The overall goal is to be present, mindful, and regulated. We deserve to do this for ourselves and our children. Connection and Compassion change our brains. If we stay curious, we are able to stay regulated to better understand our child’s feelings and behaviors.
“Changing how we see people changes people, and it changes you.”
In my personal and professional opinion, Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors, is a must read. There were so many key takeaways from this book that don’t fit into one blog post (more to come!) Robyn Gobbel has a podcast and free resources that I recommend checking out as well!
I am one of the 3 therapists at Conscious Roots Counseling in Blue Ash, Ohio. As Conscious Roots Counseling’s child therapist, I work with children and their parents from a brain science lens to better understand your child’s big baffling behaviors. I’ll teach you what I know about the brain and you get to teach me everything you know about your child. We will work together to get curious about your child and ways to support to make things better. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you are in the Cincinnati or Blue Ash area to work together.
