Free Resources for Parents to Support your Child’s Big Feelings and Behaviors
As I have mentioned previously, since Robyn Gobbel’s book, “Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors”, is SO GOOD, I couldn’t stop at just one blog.
By the end of this blog, you will:
Have a new definition of behavior
Understand the importance of attunement
Have practiced a new skill to utilize as a parent
Have free resources that can support you and your child
I want to preface this blog post by saying that this reading will challenge you. You will be challenged to see your child’s behavior from a new perspective. That may bring up a lot of feelings within you which is more than okay! Reflect on your feelings right now to determine if you feel prepared to hear a different perspective that might differ from your current thinking patterns pertaining to behavior. Take this information in at your own leisure. You may stop here for today which is great! You may be curious to hear more. Take in what feels helpful to you and consider the rest.
Here we go:
All behavior is communication.
All behavior serves a purpose.
All behavior is an attempt at regulation, including aggression (Lisa Dion, Synergetic Play Therapy)
Regulation, Connection, and Felt Safety
Pause and Notice:
What are you feeling? Anger, Confusion, Anxiety, Uncertainty, Relief, Excitement?
What do you notice in your body? A tightness in your chest, a pain in your stomach, relaxed shoulders, energy in your feet?
What do you need? A deep breath, a drink of cold water, a break?
All behavior is communication and the goal is to meet the underlying need. WAY easier said than done! Chances are, in the moments of big, baffling behaviors, your child needs regulation, connection, and felt safety. I’m not saying that providing this is easy. It is extremely difficult and takes lots of practice. It is also why I challenged you to reflect on your own feelings, body sensations, and needs. This is exactly what can be modeled for your child and is a wonderful way to provide co-regulation for your child. If you lose yourself in the dysregulation too, how is anyone going to become regulated?
Therefore, it is important to start with yourself. Again, not an easy task. For more information on what you can do for yourself, check out: Four Steps to Help Manage Feelings and Behaviors.
We provide regulation, connection, and felt safety by parenting with co-regulation. Robyn Gobbel has a wonderful free resource regarding this. I also recommend reading her book to learn more about co-regulation and all of this information in general! Robyn discusses six tools for parenting with co-regulation. We are going to focus on her tool of attunement.
““Attunement is when we step into our child’s world and communicate, ‘I feel you. I feel what you’re feeling. I’m here with you right now, even if what you’re feeling is uncomfortable.’””
As we have discussed in the past, all nervous systems communicate. Therefore, by attuning to your child, you are acknowledging that your nervous system is regulated or activated too. You feel the comfortable or uncomfortable feelings too! As parents, we are humans first. There is no expectation that your nervous system doesn’t get activated when your child is screaming, hitting, and throwing things around the house. The challenging part is not losing yourself in the activation. It is your job as the co-regulator to have one foot in, one foot out. You are showing your child that it is okay to have big feelings and that you and your child can stay connected to yourself in the midst of the dysregulation.
As Robyn continues to describe, attunement does not send the message that your child’s behavior is okay. Attunement sends the message to your child that they are seen, heard, and all their feelings matter, even the challenging and uncomfortable ones. Attunement is not just about the words that we speak, but it is also about our nonverbal language.
““We communicate our attunement through our eyes, body posture, energy, and tone of voice.””
A good place to start with attunement is just noticing your own feelings and body sensations. You can expand this by noticing feelings and body sensations while you are in the presence of your child as well.
Pause again and notice how you feel. Right now while you’re reading this.
If this information resonates with you then I am going to challenge you a bit more. As I mentioned in the very beginning, this takes lots of practice! We also won’t always get it right because of our own humanity. There is no such thing as a perfect parent and there is no expectation that you will be perfect at this, especially in the beginning. However, one goal is to set ourselves and our child up for success when we first start to practice.
A good way to do this is to practice these skills when you and your child are in a regulated state. I know, I know. The point of this is to help you and your child with the big feelings and big behaviors. However, chances are, if you do these skills for the first time when your child is extremely dysregulated, you will feel like it doesn’t work and never plan to do it again. (Sending lots of support as I say this! It is hard to feel like there isn’t always a quick fix.)
What I am going to challenge you to do is a “Regulation Reset.” Again, these are moments when your child appears to be regulated and has their thinking brain online. I have provided you with 3 free resources. These resources are: How Do I Feel? How Do I Know? and What Do I Need? These check-ins were extremely helpful to me when I was becoming Certified in Synergetic Play Therapy with Lisa Dion. Lisa Dion facilitated these check-ins before each class to help us prepare for the information ahead. I expanded upon them and created images that I could facilitate with my clients in the therapy setting. I am now expanding them to all of you to use in your home or other areas that may feel helpful.
These “Regulation Reset” resources can be routinely planned throughout the day to assess you and your child’s feelings, body sensations, and needs. That’s right, just like I challenged you to do earlier. These check-ins are vital to do BEFORE your child is “at 100.” We have to remember that when your child is “at 100” or totally dysregulated, they are in their protection mode and feeling brain rather than in their connection mode and thinking brain. These check-ins simply won’t work then because your child can’t think about how they feel, what their body feels, and what they need. Think of these “Regulation Reset” resources as preventative measures. If we attune to our own feelings, body, and needs, then we are more likely to remain regulated as we continue on with the day. This is also great practice to find strategies that you and your child prefer which can aid in those moments of big feelings and big behaviors. We have to start small, keep practicing, and remember that we are human!
I challenge you to:
Print out these resources
Find a place in your house to hang them up. Maybe in an area where the entire family sees them and uses them. We want to provide connection and let your child know that you are all in this together. We all need regulation and co-regulation!
Create a plan of times each day that you will utilize the “Regulation Reset” resources
Do this with your child and/or family each day
I am one of the 3 therapists at Conscious Roots Counseling in Blue Ash, Ohio. As Conscious Roots Counseling’s child therapist, I work with children and their parents from a brain science lens to better understand your child’s behaviors. I am also excited to share that I will be a part of Robyn Gobbel’s 2025 Being With Cohort. I cannot wait to learn so much more helpful information to support you and your family. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you are in the Cincinnati or Blue Ash area to work together.
