Three Tips to Consider Implementing as a Parent Right Now to Support Yourself and Your Child
The Importance of Self-Care, Being Authentic, and Embracing the Messiness of Being Human
The world we live in today offers no shortage of information. When it comes to raising the tiny humans that we call children, we are now provided with ample opportunities and means to gain access to resources and information to support developing children. Books, podcasts, and social media provide us with tips and strategies to support mental health, decrease tantrums, increase emotional regulation, respond to moments of anxiety, support sensory challenges, the list goes on. The information can provide us with support and suggestions. At the same time, the information can have us questioning our parenting style, ourselves, and our ability to support our developing child. Sometimes we are able to remain curious in these moments. Other times, we may go down a rabbit hole of feeling incompetent, never getting it right, being a bad parent, the list can go on here too.
As a child therapist, I have no shortage of books about parenting. Dan Siegel, Mona Delahooke, Robyn Gobbel, and others line my bookshelf at home and in my office. I listen to podcasts and follow numerous parenting accounts on Instagram. It is helpful to have all of these resources to learn from, grow, and expand my knowledge. At the same time, it can also be extremely overwhelming. When coming home, I see the stack of “Must Reads” on my nightstand. I scroll through Instagram and am overloaded with videos and posts about parenting, children, and the “best” or “right” ways to respond to mental health concerns, meltdowns, tantrums, and just a child trying to manage their developing brain. The access to information at our fingertips is helpful AND overwhelming. It can be a both, and.
With all of this access to information, we may begin to SHOULD on ourselves. Thoughts such as, “I should have the energy for this,” “I should know how to do this,” or “I should be a better parent,” cloud our mind. When we SHOULD ourselves, we dysregulate ourselves. When we do this, we are comparing ourselves to a fantasy. This disconnects us from ourselves and the reality of who we are. We are comparing ourselves to the information that floods our Instagram feed and the child responses that are “textbook perfect.” Next time you begin to compare or SHOULD yourself, I challenge you to pause and ask yourself “What do I need in this moment?” This leads to the importance of YOUR self-care.
1. The Importance of YOUR Self-Care
When I think of self-care, I always find my mind drifting to being on an airplane as they go through the protocols before take-off. One thing that is always mentioned is the importance of putting on your oxygen face covering in case of emergency BEFORE assisting someone else. When I think of self-care, I think of this. I also think of statements such as “you can’t pour from an empty cup” or the idea of an empty battery. We have to take care of ourselves before we can be fully present and with our children. As has been mentioned in previous blogs, (How to Improve Your Mental Health as a Parent), self-care does not have to be an hour-long ordeal. It can be something simple to fill your cup, recharge your battery, or provide you with enough oxygen to help and support others around you, especially children.
Another important idea to consider is that nervous systems communicate. Chances are, if you were to see my yawn right now, you might yawn as well. Because of mirror neurons, our nervous systems communicate. Therefore, if you are in a more regulated state because you took time to take care of yourself, I bet your child will feel it and be more regulated too.
2. Be Authentic and Model the Messiness of Being Human
We are teaching children to embrace being human. Part of this modeling is being an authentic parent. I hope this statement allows you to feel free to be yourself and decrease the fantasy of trying to be something you are not. What feels more regulating than that?! The permission to be yourself! This may also make more sense by a parent-child interaction example. Imagine that you have a certain feeling about a situation. It could be frustrated, angry, sad, anxious, incompetent, etc. However, you move around acting like everything is fine and tell your child, “I’m fine.” If we think back to what was said about mirror neurons, your child is able to feel that everything is not fine with you. Your nervous system is communicating with theirs. They know you and they know when you are happy, content, regulated, relaxed, etc. This feeling is not the same. However, when you said you were fine, this confuses your child and teaches them not to trust the feelings in their body. It also teaches them that feelings and emotions should not be labeled and we SHOULD walk about the world pretending that everything is okay when it is not. Therefore, what I am suggesting is to label your feelings, even when it is hard. A simple “I statement” of “I feel overwhelmed” goes a long way. Since nervous systems communicate, you are teaching your child how to label their feelings and align it to the experiences in their body. You are teaching your child to label their feelings in the moment which is often one of the main goals of therapy for a child: feeling identification. You can even go one step further and consider what you want to do with that feeling that feels authentic for you. Do you like to go for a run when you are angry? Model that. Do you like to take a warm bath when you are sad? Do that. Model the regulation skill that supports your feeling in the moment. Your child is watching and learns best through their observation of you. This is not to add pressure; the goal is to relieve pressure to allow you to be yourself. However, it is factual that children learn best through observation and as their parent, they learn best by watching you and how you handle being human.
3. Rupture and Repair
One thing that I like to tell all the parents that I work with is that every relationship is based on rupture and repair. There are going to be ample amounts of times where you won’t get it right, you won’t follow the information that you saw last night on Instagram, and you won’t always be regulated to respond in the “just right” way. There are going to be times when you lose your cool and that is okay!
You are modeling being human and this is considered, “rupture.” The beautiful part about rupture is that there is always an opportunity for repair. You can embrace your human, authentic self and apologize. You can model your own self-care or means of regulation to feel more grounded in yourself so you can then support your child.
We are always here to support you and your child in the messiness of being human. We work to help you and your child embrace your authenticity so you don’t feel like you SHOULD be anyone but yourself. At Conscious Roots Counseling in Blue Ash, Ohio, we have adult and child therapists to support you and your child. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you are in the Cincinnati or Blue Ash area to get the support you and/or your child needs to embrace your authentic self.
