How to Improve Your Mental Health as a Parent
I don’t know about you, but I only somewhat braced myself for the difficulty of parenthood… I did not know it was going to be THIS HARD.
And it’s true, there is no manual (there are a billion books on parenting of course!), but not one guide that tells you: This is exactly how you should parent your child. This works for every child, every time.
It is exhausting trying to figure out how to be a good parent for your child. No wonder many parents struggle with their own mental health.
So what CAN you do to improve your mental health and well-being?
I wish I could simply say: Do this thing! It works for every parent 100% of the time! But that would be a lie. (Side note: Anyone out there claiming their solution always works is either delusional or lying)
If you were sitting my therapy office right now, here’s what I would tell you:
Experiment
Find what works best for you at this time in your life.
With limited time and - let’s face it we’re getting older not younger - limited energy, we have to get creative to find ways to relax. We need to experiment with different coping strategies to see what works best now - not ten years ago.
Remember and Reflect
I would recommend starting by recalling what you did before having children. Then thinking about that activity and what about it brought you joy, relaxation, sense of calm, etc.
Maybe before you had kids, you liked to relax by going for a day-long hike. Or play board games with friends.. Maybe you liked to ride your bike or curl up in a cozy spot with a good book.
Those are great, but I am guessing that with children, it is hard to find a chunk of time to dedicate to those activities on a regular basis (I hope you find time to do what you love/enjoy on occasion!).
Get Creative
Here’s where creativity kicks in. Think about the following: How can you get a similar feeling, but with a revised activity that is more feasible with less time and energy?
What did my body feel like in my preferred activity?
What emotions did I experience?
Who was with me?
What did I like most about the environment (music, outdoors, silence, favorite chair, etc.)?
What was I thinking about during the activity?
Then think of the priority of the activity for you. Was it the mental stimulation? The environment? The emotions you felt? Who you were with?
When you identify the priority, you can get creative for ways to tap into that priority in a different way.
For example:
If you enjoyed playing board games with friends, maybe the priority was the mental challenge of figuring out a game. You could get that same mental challenge by playing individual games on your phone, or finding puzzle books. If the priority was connecting with friends, maybe reach out to them more via phone calls, texts, or find games you can play online asynchronously.
If you felt relaxed by hiking, the priority might be the fresh air and hearing nature around you. If you live in the suburbs or city, you can sit or stand outside to get fresh air, but put on earphones and listen to nature sounds.
I 100% acknowledge these are not perfect solutions, but they can give you a little piece of what you want or need. And then when stars align and you have the time to play games with friends or go hiking, you can fully enjoy those moments too.
Other Ways to Improve Your Mental Health
Prioritize Sleep
I personally noticed a SIGNIFICANT difference when my sleep improved in the last year. My mood improved, I was less temperamental, my anxiety and depression symptoms lessened.
Was more sleep a “cure?” Did I suddenly become the “perfect” parent? Heck no. But there was a noticeable improvement.
If you constantly feel tired here are some tips:
“Prescribe” sleep.
Think of getting 8-ish hours of sleep each night to be just as important as taking a daily medication needed to keep you healthy (because it is!).
Assess your sleep health
Take a quiz to see if you have medical health concerns related to sleep. If you do, please contact your doctor ASAP.
Assess your sleep “hygiene.” Sleep hygiene refers to having behaviors and routines that promote optimal sleep habits. Are you doing the following:
Fall asleep around the same time each night
Avoid caffeine later in the day
Avoid napping
Use your bed for sleep only (not for reading, working on a laptop, etc.)
Make your bedroom comfortable (cool temperature, dark, quiet)
Limit screens 30 minutes for sleep (TV, computers, laptops)
Squeeze in Time
Finding time to fully care for yourself can be a challenge as a parent. Juggling snack times, appointments, laundry, grocery lists, house cleaning, a job, etc. is exhausting.
But we can squeeze in 60 seconds here and there.
(Side note: If the thought of stepping away from your child for 1 minute heightens your anxiety - you are not alone! I have been there! But I would ask you to consider seeing a therapist to help you lessen that anxiety. Anxiety is totally normal and we are here to help you find ways to ease it!)
But what in the world can you do for your mental health in just 60 seconds? Here’s some ideas:
Drink some water slowly. No need to gulp it down. And just notice how your body feels while drinking the water.
Put lotion on your hands. Give yourself a quick hand massage!
Sit in a quiet (or slightly less loud if the kiddos are screaming) place and close your eyes. Bathrooms, closets, pantries are all acceptable places!
Take some deep breaths. Ideally through your nose and out your mouth and slow, deep breaths.
Step outside and breathe in some fresh air. Bonus points for stepping barefoot in the grass. A quick connection to nature can be so helpful!
Do one or a few yoga poses or other exercises (wall pushups, lunges, etc.)
Where is the village that everyone talks about when raising kids?
Find Support
This blog is not the place for my make believe TedTalk on how culture and society has changed and “the village” has seemingly disappeared. The village is hard to find. But it is there. We have to put forth more effort to create our own village.
First step: Embrace asking for helping and/or accepting help when offered. This is so hard, especially when the culture surrounding parenthood is we have to “do it all” and without help.
Second step: Get creative when thinking of support. Here are some areas/ideas:
Social Support
Meeting other adults/parents is not easy. But it is possible. Do some Google searching, and I bet you will find something!
Parent Groups
If you’re local to Cincinnati I recommend:
Cincy Postpartum - great for women and babies in the “fourth trimester”
Montgomery Moms - they are a great resource for moms in the Sycamore School District and neighboring communities
If you belong to a church, see if they have a group of women and/or moms that meet regularly
Facebook Groups that are:
Local (so you have the opportunity to actually meet in person if possible)
See if your neighborhood has a Facebook group
Check your school district - or neighboring school districts
Not just advice giving/fear mongering/anxiety producing
Positive vibes (see above)
Specific to you
Your interests/parenting style (Moms who pump and bottle feed, parents of boys, moms who love true crime, etc.)
Your child’s needs or interests (parents of children with ASD, parents of toddlers, moms of student athletes)
Play with your kids in your front yard and/or take regular walks in your neighborhood. Seriously. You can’t meet your neighbors if they can never see you. Strike up a conversation with others that walk by - even just a simple “Hello!” is a great place to start a relationship.
Keeping House Support
Part of the proverbial “village” is getting help with things around the house. If you have strong relationships, you can ask a friend or family member to help you by coming over and tackling a project like cleaning out the garage. Or maybe reaching out and asking a friend to pick up your Target order (because you know she goes there every other day anyway).
But if you are a “transplant” and live in a community that you moved into and do not have that support yet - what do you do? Find ways to make life easier.
A lot of suggestions do unfortunately cost money. But if it’s within your budget, pick one thing that is a priority for you and partner to have done regularly, but neither of you are able to keep up the task. Some ideas of helpers for hire:
House cleaner (to save money, have them only clean certain rooms like just bathrooms or bathrooms and the kitchen)
Lawn care professional (hire a neighborhood kid and let them use your mower)
Handyman - if it’s in your budget, let someone else tackle painting that half bath or fix that pantry shelf
Grocery delivery - in Cincinnati Kroger delivers groceries for an annual fee
Personal organizer - let someone else reorganize your closets and your garage
Child Care Support
As a therapist, the most stressed parents I see are the individuals who do not have go-to child care. For multitudes of reasons, many parents do not have reliable and trustworthy childcare for their children. They struggle to find time away from their child(ren) to either have time to relax or get things done around the house. If this resonate with you, here are some resources and ideas:
If you belong to a religious congregation, ask around to see if there are members of the congregation looking for ways to help their community. Use these people for help - you are part of the community!
Use an online directory of caretakers such as Care
Use a neighborhood teen to watch your child(ren) while you are still at home, but working on big projects (like cleaning out the garage) or taking a shower without being interrupted 12 times.
Work with another parent to come up with childcare swaps. They watch all the kids one night, and you watch the kids another night. This can be for a date night, time to shop on your own, getting a nap…whatever you need!
Balancing the mental load of parenting is difficult. But with little changes here and there, it can get easier. Even if you know you could benefit from making changes in each of the above areas, please pick one to focus on at a time. If you try to make too many changes at once, you will feel overwhelmed. And that is the opposite of what we want when working on our mental health as parents.
If you ever feel like you need some guidance with your mental health, please reach out! We LOVE working with parents and helping them be their best selves, so they can be the best parents they can be.
