Equation for Life and Parenting

While reading the book “Self-Compassion” by Kristin Neff, I came across an invaluable life

equation to utilize in the therapeutic setting as well as in my own daily life. Please don’t let the

word “equation” scare you off as I am not here to discuss a² + b² = c². Let’s take a closer look at

the therapeutic setting as well as a more applicable equation that we may use a little more

often in our daily life.

When you first think of a therapeutic setting, what do you think of? Dim lighting, an oil diffuser,

or self-help books lining a bookshelf may come to mind almost immediately. We may also think

of this setting as a safe space, a judgment-free zone, and an outlet to discuss anything and

everything that comes to mind. Usually, individuals don’t seek out therapy to let their therapist

know about all of the positives going on in their life. Therapy is often a safe space, a judgment-

free zone, and an outlet to discuss pain and/or suffering.

Pain and suffering, as defined in this book, are quite different. Pain is unavoidable, but suffering

is optional (Neff, 94). When thinking of pain, think of difficult emotions and physical discomfort.

Experiences such as the death of a loved one, a traffic jam, or mental health concerns can be

examples of pain that life throws our way. On the other hand, suffering is defined as “the

mental anguish caused by fighting against the fact that life is sometimes painful” (Neff, 94). The

key distinction here is that suffering is caused by resisting the pain being experienced. This

leads us to our equation:

Suffering = Pain x Resistance

We cannot avoid pain in life, but we don’t necessarily have to suffer because of that pain.

Let’s discuss this information in regards to parenting.

You just came home from a long day of work 30 minutes later than usual due to traffic on the

highway. The highway?!? Isn’t that where you are supposed to be cruising at about 70 mph?!?

You finally make it home and you have a long list of chores to complete before you are able to

relax. Your child has been struggling with some symptoms of anger for about the past month

and it has escalated in the past week. You tell your child that he is not allowed to have more

iPad time as it is time to get a bath. He yells at you, “You’re the worst mom ever, I hate you!!”

He then proceeds to hit you, storms off to his room, and slams the door.

After reading this, what you do you notice in your body? How are you feeling right at this very moment?

Obviously, we can define this as a painful experience. Not only did you have a hard day at work,

you also got caught in traffic, and then came home to a child who is angry and telling you that

you are the worst mom ever. One approach would be to resist the pain being experienced

(suffering). Mental thoughts of, “THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!” and “HE

CANNOT SAY THAT TO ME, I’M HIS MOTHER!” are swirling in your head.

What do you notice in yourself now?

As these thoughts loom in your head, you are piling on feelings of your own anger, frustration,

stress, and incompetency. This is being put on top of the pain already present. Now your

suffering is exacerbated. The more you resist the pain, the more intense everything else

becomes. What do you think your reaction would be if you talked to your child in this state?

So, what is the alternative to this situation?

There are a few approaches to consider. One is mindfulness. Mindfulness allows us to stop

resisting the reality of the present moment. It allows us to accept the fact that something

unpleasant is occurring. We can relate to our difficult emotions instead of resisting them. We

can acknowledge the pain that is being experienced and let it be present with us.

What we acknowledge, we can then validate. Remember when I asked you to pause and

identify your emotions in the example? This would be a great time to validate yourself. When

you validate, you are acknowledging the feelings that are present rather than attempting to

resist and push them away. Validation to yourself can look like a variety of different things. It

can be repeating a phrase such as, “This is really hard for me right now.” It can be taking 5 deep

breaths. It can be having a personal mantra to repeat to yourself that reminds you that this is a

part of the human experience and will not be of this intensity forever. Validating yourself allows

you to be more regulated and more present in the moment so you are then able to manage the

situation.

Validation can also expand to your child in this situation. Your child was clearly angry that he

was not allowed to have more time on his iPad. He also seemed to be suffering due to his

intensive reaction and his unwillingness to accept the information as reality in the present

moment. Just like you, your child wants to be heard and acknowledged in this moment.

Therefore, once you feel regulated and validated, it is your child’s turn. Just as you validated

yourself, you can validate your child. Let them know that you understand their frustration. Help

them to identify the feeling and move towards it rather than pushing it away.

It is difficult to talk about feelings, pains of life, and suffering. However, the most we resist

them, the more suffering we experience. It is sometimes difficult to admit that we need help.

However, it is also important to remind yourself that pain is a part of life and as much as we

wish we could, we cannot avoid it or take it away. Therefore, therapy is a safe space to explore

pain and acknowledge its presence rather than pushing it away. Whatever we suppress, we

eventually express. Therefore, therapy is a judgement-free zone to express and process

feelings, pains of life, and suffering in an effective way.