Book Review: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

Yes, along with many of you out there, my New Year’s Resolution was in fact to read more in 2024. Also, like many of you, I started the year off strong and read my first book. We will see how the rest of the year continues…stay tuned.

I recently read the book, The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, a book that I’ve had on my shelf for years. It is the first of 3 books and geared towards women. However, I could easily provide rationale as to why this book could be helpful for anyone. For starters, we all are in relationship with others whether that be family members, partners, children, or co-workers. We also all experience anger, conflict, and disagreements in our relationships. It is inevitable. The book explores all these various relationships with helpful thoughts and courses of action to navigate challenges and conflict that may arise.

The book begins by defining anger as a signal and one worth listening to. Anger exists for a reason and deserves our respect and attention. It simply is. The beginning is a helpful start as a means to acknowledge and accept the feeling of anger rather than ignoring it. It is even important to consider, “what is my anger really about?” Like the anger iceberg analogy, sometimes our anger is just grazing the surface of what we are truly experiencing. Therefore, it is often important to question and consider, what feeling is truly underneath the tip of the iceberg of anger? Some feelings to consider are loneliness, anxiety, betrayal, depression…the list goes on.

As the book explores various relationships, it focuses on the moves and countermoves of individuals when it comes to the dance of anger. The underlying goal is “anger being a tool for change when it challenges us to becomes more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others.” A hard reality to accept is that we cannot change another person. Therefore, it is up to us to translate our anger into clear and nonblaming statements in order to state our position, recognize our choices, and make responsible decisions on our own behalf. We can do this by using “I statements” regarding our thoughts and feelings. When we use our anger to make statements about ourselves, we assume a position of strength because nobody can argue with our own thoughts and feelings.

A simple example could be:

“I feel like I am not being heard.” v.s. “You never listen to me!”

This is a simple, yet powerful example of how an “I statement” can change the course of anger. However, it is not an easy task. When emotional intensity is high, we are acting from our “emotional brain” rather than our “thinking brain.” Therefore, the “emotional brain” usually puts the entire responsibility for poor communication on the other person which usually leads to blaming and little to no use of “I statements.” Therefore, when experiencing anger, it is also important to voice your need for a few minutes to sort out your thoughts and reclaim your position.

Using “Dance of Anger” concepts with children

As a child therapist, I was reminded of how important it is to teach children these concepts that were articulated in the book. It also reminded me of the strategy, ACT, that I often teach parents.

A – Acknowledge the feeling

C – Communicate the limit

T - Target acceptable alternatives

In this strategy, children are learning to better understand their feelings as well as the potential feelings that underneath their anger. As their parents, it is important to explore those alternative thoughts and feelings that could be attributing to the feeling of anger in order to increase their feelings vocabulary. By using this strategy, parents are then guiding their child to develop the skills to state positions, recognize choices, and make a choice that is best for them. Children also learn best through observation which is also why it is so vital for us to model these concepts for our child so they can eventually develop the skills to manage these situations on their own.

If you think you or your child could use some extra help or guidance in regards to concerns of anger or other presenting symptoms, please reach out. I offer play therapy services to children in the Cincinnati/Blue Ash, Ohio area. I am a Registered Play Therapist and work with children and their parents in order to better understand and manage big feelings and big behaviors.